dating 101: hoo doggies-- that's wayyy too much information

so anyone that knows me at all knows that i have some of the more interesting dating stories to share. what can i say-- horrendously awful, bizarre, and ridiculous dates have become some what of a little hobby of mine. it used to make me cry; now it entertains me and all of my friends. good trade off.

ok, i am going to admit it...and without any shame or embarrassment...i am an on-line dater. i first signed up shortly after college when i moved to a new city. it seemed like a good way to meet some new people and see some of indy (for free. good deal.). so...i created my profile, uploaded my photos (chosen to display 1)that i can look pretty cute when i try 2)that i have a rockin' sense of humor, and 3)that i am fun "look at all the smiling faces with all the people in all the places...this girl must be super-awesome-cool"), and created witty little blurbs for each section. this is an exhausting process, and all you really want to write in those 3 million little boxes is: "you would be lucky to take a girl like me out because i am awesome in so many ways, and you have no idea, so suck it." however, that didn't seem like a great way to introduce myself. so witty verbiage it is.

and then i began to date.

(this is one of my favorite stories because i love the look of horror on people's faces when get to the good part.)

so...i met this guy, let's call him todd. (that's not really his name...and i'm not trying to protect him, cause who really cares about that...i just can't actually remember what his name might have been...) we met downtown for dinner; he picked a nice place, but not too fancy-schmancy (bonus point). and the awkward first meet begins. you don't want to get there too early because then you look over-anxious and lame and will be sitting there for 10 minutes looking at your cell phone and trying to give the impression that you are completely fine and simply waiting for your best girl pal to arrive and not utterly paranoid that you are going to be stood up by a total stranger and all the while pretending to text someone and make it look like you actually just had a change of plans and that's why you are leaving after sitting by yourself for 10 minutes---not that this has ever happened to me. i'm just saying---timing is important.

so i walk in and see todd sitting there. he looks just like his picture. good start (those pictures can be a little tricky, and it should be against some sort of internet dating law to use pictures from high school. you're not that thin anymore...let it go.). and...then he stood up. now, i have absolutely nothing against short guys. i actually appreciate a good looking short dude. it's cute. however, if you are 5'2" (maybe on a good day and when you use a little extra gel in your hair), do not, do not, do not tell me that you are 5'7". i can tell the difference. i'm smart like that.

so there we are, nose to nose (good thing i didn't wear my fancy-don't-i-look-fantastic-in-these-rockin-heels shoes), and ready to get this party started. the first round at dinner goes pretty well. i ask you a generic question (it really doesn't matter how many siblings you have, i just need to ask you something). you ask me a question (i know you don't actually care about what my favorite movie ever is, but thanks for asking just the same). and then...it got real ugly, folks.

it went something like this...

todd: "i'm so sorry that i haven't called you the last few days."

me: (oookayyy...please don't call me every day, really, please. seriously. don't.) "that's okay. no worries."

todd: "i have just been a bit feeling lousy after seeing my doctor three days ago."

me: (um, ok. where are you going with this *nervous shifty eyes*.)

todd: "yeah...i had a colonoscopy three days ago. man, those are rough."

me: (and now i am choking on my tortellini.)

todd: "they clean you out really well though. i think i was in the bathroom for the majority of my day. and that probe they stick up..."

me: (and now i am pushing my plate clear over to the other side of the table. dinner is over. i can no longer chew anything, let alone swallow. i think i managed to nod. pretty sure my eyes, as they popped out of my head, were sending pleading messages to stop. right now. just stop. seriously.)

somehow during that little bit of nastiness i must have inadvertently indicated that i liked his story--that i thought it was appropriate--that i thought it was even interesting and not at all revolting for a dinner conversation--on a first date--with a stranger--because...he continued. i cannot convey my utter horror.

todd: "so, have you ever had a unique medical procedure?"

me: (is this guy serious? what, like my last pap smear. yeah, i'll pass on sharing that one.) "no. no. haven't even had my wisdom teeth out." (wisdom teeth--that's safe, right?)

todd: "i had my wisdom teeth out a couple years ago."

me: (ahh...safe topic. feels nice.)

todd: "yeah, my face was so swollen that my girlfriend wrapped her bra around my head and stuck ice in the boob cups."

me: (i have no words.)

and he must have thought that i didn't hear him, or my silent response was not the reaction that he was looking for...because...he repeated the story. the whole thing.

todd: "yeah, honestly. she wrapped her bra around my head and put ice in the cups, must have been like a c-cup, i think."

me: (dinner is over. even if i wasn't grossed out and turned off like i have never been before in my life, i still have leave so that i can call my friends and tell them this story.) "check please!"

he must have thought the night went well because he called me several times the next week. i was a chicken and screened all his calls and never talked to him again. but really, when you talk about your colon at dinner (and sticking things up your colon at dinner)--on a first date--with a stranger--you deserve to have your calls screened. actually, you kind of deserve to be mocked and ridiculed on a blog that the whole world can read. yeah, that's what you deserve.