dating 101: don't order the spicy stuff

ok, so time for another dating lesson, courtesy of abbey. you're welcome. i feel a little bit bad about this post because this guy was really sweet and was trying really hard. but, this is the job, so here goes....

once again: blind date from a certain online site. yet again: we met down town, ironically at the same restaurant as the previous dating 101 lesson (maybe that should have been my first clue). this time i was smart, though -- i brought reinforcements in the form of my good friends amy and curtis (see...progress).

first thing i saw was the cowboy boots. i know, right? (side note: i have nothing against cowboy boots. i come from farm folk. i get it. but, you are in indy. cowboy boots are a no-no. cowboy boots on a first date, with a stranger, in down town indy -- triple no-no. just saying.) but, i let the boots slide (and then made a mental note to change that habit in the future if need be).

so kevin and i and amy and curtis get settled in our oh-so-cozy little booth (awww), and start to look at the menus. it's rather obvious at this point that sweet kevin is very nervous. every movement, every sentence is strained with nerves, and i was starting to feel bad for the guy. i mean, he was starting to sweat a little, that's how stressed this guy was. and being the oh-so-smooth socialite that i am (ha!), i was trying to help sooth his nerves as best i could -- easy conversation, lots of smiles, nodding the head encouragingly, you know the drill. it wasn't working. at all.

and then the food came. and poor sweet kevin had inadvertently ordered something a little spicy. bad plan. very, very bad plan. the little beads of sweat that had started from nerves became huge rolling balls of sweat dripping down his face. the linen napkin did little to help even though he was mopping up like he just finished a marathon. there was no stopping the amount of sweat pouring from his glands. it was amazing. pro athletes don't produce this much sweat during an entire basketball game--including a double overtime. and, i know he was embarrassed (duh), because he even excused himself to go wash his face and start fresh again. i got him a new napkin (cause i'm thoughtful like that). but there was no fixing this flood. before he even planted his boots back under the table, there were great rivers running down his face again. my heart did go out to poor sweet kevin, but i couldn't help but be a little amused by the whole production anyways. i thought a second date would be a great chance for a do-over.

unfortunately (i feel like this is a strong theme in my blogs...unfortunately...), a literal do-over is exactly what i got. i invited him over to amy and curtis's for a very bland, even slightly boring dinner--steak, broccoli, potatoes--no spice in sight, not even pepper, nada spice-o.

perfect.

wrong.

we no sooner finished a short blessing for the spice-less dinner, than the flood gates opened. again. only this time, there was no linen napkin. not good. and poor sweet kevin, as he was furiously mopping up, ended up with little bits of paper napkin all over his face. it's hard to take someone seriously when they have little pieces of paper napkin stuck all over their forehead. i could not stop staring (it was fascinating in a slightly horrible and definitely embarrassing kind of way.). amy and i were trading little furtive looks trying to figure out how exactly to fix this little situation without further humiliating poor sweet kevin. but, he got up to wash his face again (maybe a dinner time ritual? maybe it's cultural. yeah, that's it. culture thing.) and came back little-bits-of-napkin less. and that was the end of me and kevin. and, no, i did not ditch him just because of the sweating thing. i'm not that shallow. at least not all of the time. there were extenuating circumstances which i will touch upon in another dating 101 lesson in the future. (i know you are excited. you should be.)

so, i was wondering as to what the over-sweating situation was caused by. and i came up with a list. (i know you are excited again.)

1. he's allergic to any and all food. this would be a bummer. food is important. especially cheese. (i *heart* cheese)

2. i made him incredibly nervous because i am incredibly hot and amazing and awesome and my mere presence caused something akin to hyperventilation which presented itself through massively hyperactive sweat glands. i have that affect on men all the time. it's my cross. sigh. (i'm pretty sure this is the real reason.)

3. he was too hot. temperature-wise, folks. (pretty sure that's not the case (how dull would that be), but i'm just presenting options here, people. (it's called being thorough.))

4. he had a thyroid problem. (definite possibility) (hey...i'm not making fun. thyroids are serious. i have one, and it doesn't work right either. so, some might even call me an expert on the whole thyroid thing.)

5. he was allergic to me. like i was a long-haired dog or some evil breed of cat (which would be all breeds of cats. just saying.). but, i don't appreciated being likened to a dog, so this one obviously can't be it. please.

personally, i'm sticking with option 2, but feel free to believe what you like. (choose number 2. it's the best one.) and if poor sweet kevin ever reads this, i'm not judging you because you were sweaty or because you wore cowboy boots (even though that was much harder to do). i'm just trying to write a blog here, and possibly help all mankind in the process. kind of like mother teresa. actually, exactly like mother teresa. you're welcome.