let time linger

In the last ten years of my life, I can say there have been possibly three times that I have been fully content. It doesn't happen to me often. I know this is a flaw; I am aware.

I have always been impatient; I have always sought instant gratification. I have always been counting down days for something - something better, something more fun, something that was not what I was doing right then, something different. The last decade of my life has been an experience of impatiently pushing for the next best thing, a better time in life, a stronger feeling of contentment and peace. I have spent 10 years yearning for time to pass quickly, wishing to just get through this part and on to the next phase, which surely must be the life that I have been wanting. Or, at the very least, just get through life in general; just get to the end.

But something in me has shifted this last year. I feel a peace and contentment with where I am in my life and what I am doing with my life, which is a new neighborhood for me. And now I am suddenly aware of my life moving forward at a pace that I am not quite comfortable with anymore. I have gone from counting down days and wishing time to move more quickly to holding on to days and savoring the time spent looking forward to something important. I have moments of brief panic when I think about how my life is moving so very quickly. I just know I am going to wake up tomorrow and be 80! Maybe it's the weddings and babies and graduations and relocations and gaining and losing and change, change, change. It all feels like too much at times.

I am feeling the need to be intentional, to savor this time, enjoy this time. I want to work at actually living each day of the next ten years (maybe just a good percentage of days would be more realistic). I want to remember, and I want it to be worth remembering. I need time to linger just a little while longer.